MattandSally.com

Chicago Bake Sale: brownies and cookies
Originally uploaded by ..Sally..

Feel free to disagree, but I think the best thing about this photo is the reassuring hand that Francis has placed on George’s shoulder. It’s as though she’s reached that point in her sales pitch where it helps to make some personal connection with the buyer. Can’t you just hear her saying, “I feed these cookies and brownies to my own brother; would I give anything but the best to my own flesh and blood?” Well, that’s one interpretation of the image. She could also be saying, “For another fifty cents, I’ll throw in the boy.” Most likely, she’s just trying to keep his paws out of the cash register.

We have a 3.75-year old who sometimes makes unreasonable demands. It seems normal for a kid to test the limits of her control over her environment, including her parents. Sally and I have been working on a model of parenting that responds to and circumvents these demands by offering choices instead of ultimata. I’m not very good at this yet, and my alternatives often include the ultimatum as one of the choices. For example:

Francis: I don’t want to take a bath.

Daddy: But it’s time to take a bath. George is taking a bath.

Francis: Well, I don’t want to take a bath. I’m not dirty.

Daddy: You are dirty; it’s been three days since your last bath.

Francis: I’m not dirty.

Daddy: OK, you have a choice: you can take a bath and have a book and a song before bed, or you can skip your bath and get no book and no song.

Francis: (writhing on the floor) But I don’t want to take a bath.

She took her bath eventually, but I think the idea is to offer choices that make the kid feel empowered before a confrontation even happens (e.g., “Hey Francis, do you want use the white washcloth or the blue washcloth today?”).

Here’s a blog in which an Australian daddy/economist applies the theories of his day job to the raising of his kids. In one of his ruminations on discipline, he notes that the perceived threat of punishment is often more important than the punishment itself:

I also know that their imagination is much more active than my own. So when I am not getting compliance with a request or order — such as getting ready for bathtime — I stand there and close my eyes and saw “I am thinking up a suitable punishment and if, when I open my eyes, you haven’t done x, I will tell you it.” Well, a flurry of activity always ensues.

That’s what I want: some non-violent thing that I can do that always incites a “flurry of activity” from my children.